“How’s your novel coming along?”

When non-writers people ask me this question, no matter how sincere the intention, I hear it spoken in an impatient or mocking tone, ala Stewie from the Family Guy (so painfully hilarious). [1]

Non-Writers People ask me about my novel a lot these days. Of course they do–I quit my tech job last summer, and I’m on sabbatical from my teaching job (yes, I had two jobs for awhile), and my life is to now write/revise my novel everyday. It’s clearly my passion, and they’ve no idea what else I must be doing.

This question is asked of me every time I’m at a cocktail party. As a conversation opener. And about 30 seconds after I’ve crossed the threshold of my former office (and my husband’s current workplace). They ask about my novel, even before they ask how I’m doing.

“Hey Christine! How’s your novel coming along?”

My non-writer friends, when they hear me whine about this, say, “At least people care.” As in, “It’s a normal question.”

Do you really all care? Will 100% of you really buy my book when it’s published? Do you know what an agonizing query this is? One that makes me feel tired and self-doubting and judged and scared and naked? One that then makes me feel guilty, because I do understand you ask out of good intentions, even though it makes me wince?

Do you know that instead of asking me “How’s your novel coming along?” you could say any of the following things:

1. “I can’t wait to BUY and read your novel when it’s done!”
2. “I know your novel will be amazing.”
3. “I think it’s so exciting that you’re taking a leap and writing your novel.”
4. “I support you in your novel writing/revision.”
5. “May I bake you some cookies or raisin walnut bread to eat while you rewrite your novel?”
6. “I hope your novel revision/rewrite is going well! Would you like some chocolate?”
7. “When will you be finished writing the novel?” OHWAIT. Don’t ask that, either. I have no idea. I thought I’d be finished by now. My friend, when pregnant with triplets was understandably HUGE by her fifth month of pregnancy. People would ask when she was due, and when she stated a date four months into the future, their eyebrows would raise and they’d say things like, “Oh wow! You’re HUGE.” And another friend, who is pregnant with twins, gets the same things. Needless to say, they HATE the “due date” question. Same here. I think I’m having novel quintuplets, and I’m about four months pregnant with this novel in “novel-time.” Yah, it’s going to take awhile.

My writer friends know that “How’s your novel coming along?” is an agonizing query. It’s like getting asked how your fetus is doing–an intrusive question at best.

So here’s how my novel is coming along…

It gives me heartburn. Sometimes it kicks me from the inside at an inconvenient moment, or perhaps close to my liver and it gives me pain. Other times, the kicks delight me.

I felt my novel quicken and kick me last year, after I finished the first draft.

Now I feel it swirl and dance.

My novel makes me feel bloated.

My novel makes me nauseous.

My novel makes me crave certain foods.

My novel makes me feel alive. My novel has a heartbeat.

I often fear that this novel won’t make it. That somewhere during the creative process, I’ll lose my grasp on it. That it will just wither and die. And that it will all be my fault. And that you’ll all ask me how it’s going, when in fact, it died inside of me.

I want this novel to be amazing. I am putting all my hopes and dreams into this novel.

I fear this novel won’t be amazing to anyone but me. That I will send it out into the world, and no one will like it.

If no one likes this novel, I will have to put it in my closet, where it will live to the end of its days, visited by no one but me.

I project all my fears onto my novel.

I project all my hope onto my novel.

My novel is getting heavy.

My novel gets bigger every month.

My novel’s features are beginning to sharpen.

My novel looks a little like me, but not really like me, either.

My novel takes everything I have.

That’s how my novel is doing. It’s not done. It will be done. It cannot, at this point, live without me as a host. The only people who get to “see it,” are people who can read a rough draft manuscript, which is the “ultrasound-equivalent” of writing. I love my novel. I hope you will love, it too.

The second question is “What’s your novel about?” And I”ll talk about that in a subsequent post.

[1] Stewie’s monologue on “How’s that novel coming along?” used to be my cellphone ringer.

Done with the BluePrintCleanse juice cleanse!

I learned a few things from the cleanse, which I began with the intention of resetting my eating habits:

1) Drink more water
2) What I’m feeling is often thirst, not hunger
3) Eat more vegetables
4) Abstinence from chewing was a revelation.
5) Consider decreasing dairy in my diet, because during the prep, which excludes dairy, I felt tons better.

The juice cleanse wasn’t easy, but at no point did I feel hungry. I felt energized throughout. I fast (no food, no water) every year for Yom Kippur, and this was EONS less difficult to execute, because at no time did I feel hungry or listless. In fact, there was so much juice that most days, I “fell behind,” and wasn’t able to get every juice down. In fact, on two out of three days, I didn’t have time for one juice, and so I either excluded the beet juice or opted to only drink half of a beet juice (drink #5).

Really, I just missed CHEWING.

In sum…
Day 1: I found half the juices disgusting, but my energy level was amazing! Food cravings through the roof. No headache or any other physical discomfort. Lost one pound and one inch off my waistline since the cleanse prep. Walked 3.82 miles according to my fitbit.

Day 2: I found half the juices disgusting, but my energy level was through the roof, and I gained an incredible clarity and focus. Food cravings completely absent. The best day. Lost three pounds since the juice began, four pounds total since the cleanse prep. Walked 5.12 miles according to my fitbit.

Day 3: I found all the juices drinkable. I could drink the green juice without pinching my nose, and even the beet juice was kind of yummy. My energy level wasn’t as high as Day 2, but I found my mental clarity exhilarating. I also went to yoga at the end of the day and my fitbit says I walked 7.5 miles on Day 3. Lost five pounds total, four of it during the juice cleanse.

So would I do this again? I think I would. My cravings were reset. I’m sitting here on my first post-juice morning, eating pineapple, and wanting rice, but not much more.

Though I lost five pounds, I’m 110% sure it’s all water weight. The one inch I lost off my waistline happened during the prep for the cleanse, during which I eliminated meat and dairy. (Update: Though I gained a few of the pounds back over subsequent, post-cleanse days, it appears I lost 2 pounds from the cleanse process).

And I got a burst of energy in my writing. Which is always a good thing. I even wrote a draft of a short story.

My juice cleanse live blog after the jump…

DAY 1
Wake up and watch my husband eat oreos with a glass of milk. Bleah.
Hiding all the foodie/food tweeters. First thing hidden for the duration of this cleanse: @biggayicecream

10:20am omg. This green juice is DISGUSTING. Take 2 more gulps with my nose pinched. meanwhile, watching my husband pouring a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. He giggles at my Green Juice Face. I scream, “BE SUPPORTIVE!” putting green juice in fridge to continue drinking in 10 min.

10:45am Almost done. Pinching nose and gulping. Husband now eating bagel + cream cheese and smirking.

11:00am I just held out a capful of juice cleanse green juice out to Scarlet the Wiener Dog. Who scampered up. Sniffed it. And RAN AWAY: NOT INTERESTED.
But the next juice, the pineapple thingie, looks promising. Held out a small tsp to Scarlet the Wiener Dog. Who scampered up. Sniffed. And lapped it up.

My friend just messaged me, “to be fair, dogs will eat their own poop.”

1:15pm Pineapple juice thingie is ok. I have peed 3 times in the past hour. I have no headache. I feel pretty normal. I am thinking about a Shake Shack burger. And I haven’t had a Shake Shack burger in like, 3 months. But I’m not hungry. I wonder if “craving thought detox” is part of the cleanse. If so, all these junk food thoughts are getting purged right about now.
Also thinking about going for a walk. Really should be revising my novel. Can’t focus.

1:45pm Ok, crushed that pineapple juice about 30 minutes later. Dammit. That means the next juice is the green.

Holy crap. I keep having to pee. Hard to write. Everytime I get to the cusp of an idea/a scene/a word/a sentence, my bladder calls.

3:30pm Drinking the green juice. Haaate it. Pinching my nose. Drinking it. It makes me want a Shake Shack burger. This is still better than fasting on Yom Kippur.

3:45pm Chugged the last of the green juice, nose pinched. And guess what? That’s the last green juice of the day! *happy dance*

3:52pm I tweet that it’s hard for me to focus/revise a novel while on a juice cleanse.

3:53pm My friend Alex replies that his juice cleanse “allowed him a breakthrough.” This gives me hope. Alex further elucidates, “You’ll feel like a crazy person for most of the first day,” adding that by the 2nd day, I’ll feel some clarity. Okay. This makes me feel much better. Like there’s hope.

6:18pm They say you’re supposed to drink water or tea in between the juices. How? I’m constantly peeing and not at all thirsty. And as soon as I’ve finished one juice, it feels like the next one’s up.

Taking a taste of the lemon juice. Not bad! I’d drink this even if I weren’t cleansing. But holding off. I’ve got a book party to attend, and I don’t want to have to pee throughout the whole thing. Going to drink it after I get back home in a couple hours.

Getting curious. Opening the beet juice and having a taste. I think the beet juice might be worse than the green juice. Yah, it’s “fruitier” in taste, but more like very sour orange juice with big ginger. No. Since I’m running behind now on juices, I may skip that tonight. Or just drink 1/4.

I keep thinking about the “juice cleansing writing breakthrough” that Alex mentioned.

9:50pm Home from the Writers Room party! And guzzled down my lemon juice. Now pondering the cashew juice. I have SO MUCH energy. I thought I’d be listless and starving–but I am neither hungry nor listless. I was completely energized walking to the party, and energized throughout the party. I even resisted the cake without much fanfare.

Feel like going for a run! Feel like going out for a walk! But I won’t–because if I do, I will WANT TO EAT A PIZZA/HAMBURGER/CUPCAKE. End of day cravings are stronger than daytime cravings. I have memories of the smell of pizza wafting down the street tonight on my way home from the party. Oh, did I tell you? I could also smell cake (I could smell CAKE!) when I was downstairs at McNally Jackson.

So I’ll stay inside. And not confront cravings. And eat my cashew juice. Ohyah, I am skipping that beet juice. So disgusting.

And I’m learning that I need to drink a LOT more water. Apparently, what I think is hunger might actually be thirst.

11:15pm Sipping (and “chewing”) my yummy cashew drink. Finally a *filling* drink that I also find incredibly yummy. My favorite of the day. Of course, I’m reading a food blog.

DAY 2
10:30am I weigh myself after “voiding.” I’ve lost 3 pounds since the cleanse, 4 pounds since prep started. WTF.

3:23pm Wow. Zero food cravings today. When I went to the grocery store, chocolate and cheese were just like, things. I felt no connection to them (I normally think they are Comfort and Bliss, really that’s what they mean to me). When I walk, I feel like i’m floating. I have so much clarity and focus and energy; I’m piling through work that I’ve been sitting on for weeks. Am I dead?

4:01pm Green juice is now a touch less disgusting. BTW, my husband had a taste of it and was all, “Oh! This is delicious! I’d drink this even if I weren’t fasting!” UGGGGGH. Meanwhile, I am the one who has to drink it. He also drank the beet and said THAT was delicious. I think the beet juice is more disgusting than the green.

9:00pm Feeling AWESOME. Like I-could-go-for-a-run-and-not-faint-awesome. Could take long walks. Wish I could feel like this ALL the time. Clarity. Floating. Like otherworldly.

Just learned parsley is a stimulant.

DAY 3
12:30pm Feeling not as good as I did on Day 2, but still clear-headed and making way on a short story (wtf? a short story!). Suddenly have uh, these urgent bathroom demands-that-are-not-number-1-in-the-morning. It’s like a flash flood.

9:10pm Home from yoga class. STARVING for the first time since I started the cleanse. Chugging down a lemon drink, which btw, is drink #4. There are not enough hours in the day to drink 6 juices! I’ve fallen behind 2 out of the 3 days.

10:00pm And I’ve got 2.5 drinks to go! Guzzle down the last of the lemonade.

10:30pm: Guzzling beet juice. Suddenly find it completely drinkable. Of course. On the last night.

11:45pm Cashew. Last drink! Hurrah!

11:50pm STOMACH MAKING ALL KINDS OF NOISES. GRAND FINALE JUICE CLEANSE MUSIC. Holy Crap. Toilet time.

My 2012 To-Do list includes reading. Reading is the best thing a writer can do. I think reading tops eating. Though I really do like to eat, which is probably why my writing suffers at times.

I have a list of books I cannot wait to read in 2012, and I’ve listed them below. What are your anticipated books?

Update:
A good friend of mine asked, in the comments below, “How do you choose what contemporary books to read…So when I ask ‘how do you choose,’I mean less the mechanics (friends’ recommendations, the number of stars on Goodreads, Atlantic reviews, etc.) and more the personal definition of what books are worthy of three weeks of your life? How do you grant permission for a book to potentially change your life?” (Scroll down to the comments to read the entirety of his question).

Great question, and I realize, an answer that was absent in my introduction of this list.

So instead of making you crawl through the comments below, I’ll post my answer here in the post, too:

A huge writing mentor of mine once advised us to read more classic books, and to hold off on reading contemporary books (she also said we shouldn’t read anything written by someone under the age of 30). I think her advice (about reading the classics) holds merit. I try very much to read a book that’s survived scrutiny/time for every book that is a new release. HOWEVER…

I want to support contemporary writers. It’s important to support new voices and read new voices and usher them into some level of awareness, even if it’s just little old me doing it.

Also–I just love particular themes and writers and voices. There are stories I’ve wanted to hear from childhood but could not find in books.

You’ll notice most of the writers above are female. The canon is very female-light. And I like reading the voices of women, so of course I”m attracted to contemporary lit for those voices.

You’ll notice that writers above are from largely underrepresented ethnicities. How many books in the canon are written by Muslim writers? Or even though East Asian Americans have had a foot in the door for 20ish years now, how many books in the canon are written by writers of Asian descent?

I can’t rely on “The Canon” to find these voices and stories.
It’s up to us to form our own canon.

And yes, I love Fitzgerald (after all, The Great Gatsby is my favorite novel of all time), and I love Graham Greene. But as important it is to read novels that have survived the test of time, it’s important to me to read new voices, especially those that have been underrepresented in our history. In my reading history.

Also of course, there are just writers I like! Who are alive! And writing books. And I’m there when the book hits the shelves.

American Dervish by Ayad Akhtar
Growing up Muslim in (Midwest) America. Maybe this theme reminds me of a lot of East Asian American books, circa 1988, but this is a door through which new voices come.

Telegraph Avenue by Michael Chabon
My adult life was spawned with Berkeley’s Telegraph Avenue at its nucleus. Of course I want to read this.

Forgotten Country by Catherine Chung*†
How excited am I to hear this book is coming out? I’ve been waiting for Catherine Chung’s book, one that focuses on folklore and immigration and identity, to come out, and I can’t wait to read it.

In One Person by John Irving
John Irving. Whom I adore. His first “political book” since The Cider House Rules and A Prayer For Owen Meany, two books I adore. So buying this.

Suddenly, A Knock On The Door by Etgar Keret
I love Etgar Keret. He gets it. His stories are bizarre and always tunnel under my skin. It’s quite pleasurable, this tunneling.

The Disenchantments by Nina LaCour*
Yes, I read YA. Nina LaCour’s fiction is the kind of fiction I wished existed when I was fourteen years old.

The Devil in Silver by Victor LaValle
Hello, I loved Victor Lavalle’s Big Machine (sorry, I say that whenever possible). I am such a fan of his work–and did you read his defense of the National Book Awards? The Devil in Silver is going on my shelf.

Drifting House by Krys Lee*†
I’ve had the privilege of seeing some of these stories in their fetal state, and now they’re in a collection! Krys Lee’s prose is quiet–tiptoes into a room and then delivers a knockout punch.

Home by Toni Morrison
Toni Morrison. Has. A Book Out. Nuff Said.

Wild by Cheryl Strayed
Of course I am going to buy and read Wild–I want to know more about the writer who wrote Torch.

Dora: A Head Case by Lidia Yuknavitch
Lidia Yuknavitch always tells it like it is. And then makes you like it.

*Books I will be giving away on 80,000 Words in 2011.
†Authors I will be interviewing and who will be featured in Kartika Review’s March 2011 issue

I’m doing a juice cleanse.

It seems like everyone does a juice cleanse because they’re a bunch of hippies for weight loss, but that’s not my game plan.

I have a massive sugar addiction. I love sugar. I am like Buddy the Elf! Like him, I would put sugar on EVERYTHING if socially acceptable. Buddy doesn’t care whether or not it is socially unacceptable to eat gallons of candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup! He carries around a small maple syrup bottle in his sleeve, which is the Raddest Thing Ever.

This sugar addiction has been in my life since I was a kid, when I would dip boiled hotdogs into (take ahold of your gag reflex) SUGAR (but since I’m a sugar addict, I don’t find it gross at all).

I’m doing this juice cleanse to reset and rid myself of a sugar addiction that has me adding 6 packets of sugar to a decaf coffee. It’s so shameful–I add two packets when the barista turns his head, and then I add another two when he turns his head again, until I get all 6 packets of sugar into the coffee.

You see, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. His coffee doesn’t suck. In fact, it’s delicious. It’s the best coffee I’ve found in NYC. But I love sugar.

Truth be told, I’d add more sugar packets if I could. But by the time I get all 6 packets in, the coffee’s already lukewarm.

Other sugar addicts will understand. When I told one of my door(wo)men to look out for my juice delivery, she asked, “Are you juice cleansing?”

Yes.
I told her about the sugar thing. She smiled and then reached down below the desk and brought out…a box of sugar. It’s her personal sugar. She told me, “Six sugar packets isn’t a lot at all! Try TWELVE!” I wanted to hug her tall and lean body (not all sugar addicts look the same). I wondered if she had a special maple syrup bottle in her sleeve.

You see? We’re out there, sneaking our boxes of sugar to work, snacking on our fruity mentos, carrying bottles of maple syrup in our sleeves, and pouring honey straight into our mouths (oh, did I not mention that yet?).

I totally understand. You’re my tribe.

So I’m hoping the juice cleanse will help me tone down my sugar addiction. I don’t think it’ll ever go away, but I’d like to work myself to a place where 1-2 sugar packets in a decaf coffee’ll do it for me.

Because I admit–eating too much sugar isn’t healthy.

I’ll let you know how it goes. I’ve been prepping for the BluePrint Cleanse for the past few days–cutting out meat (not difficult), cutting out dairy (not too difficult), and upping vegetables and fruit (not difficult at all). And beginning tomorrow, all I will do is drink assigned juices for three days straight.

I will, however, continue revising my novel throughout the cleanse. I am going to finish revising this thing in 2012.

The facts thus far:

• I’m doing the “easiest” BPC cleanse called the Renovation. The levels differ not in juice volume, but in green juice volume. The Renovation has the least amount of green juice. I’m not a big steak plus hamburgers plus processed foods kind of woman, but I’m also not big on being hard on myself for no reason. So, I’m going with the easiest cleanse.
• I’ve been prepping for the past few days as I stated above. Not following it strictly (I had minestrone soup for dinner, and that does contain starchy vegetables, but whatever). So far, I’ve lost a pound, and I’ve been filling my gullet with all kinds of food.
• I’m very excited about the juice cleanse.

Also, I happened to on an impromtu walk to the East River with a friend this afternoon. On the horizon was the Domino Sugar Factory/Refinery. The coincidence was…sweet.

I am a big proponent of yearly “to do” lists. In fact, I prefer making yearly “to do” lists to resolutions, because “to do” lists are actionable and they aren’t dependent on other people’s actions (i.e., things like “win a fellowship”).

Resolutions are, in the end, comprised of many “to do” items, anyway–so why not break them down into more reachable increments? A resolution to run a marathon involves training milestones and “to-do’s” just like a resolution to “relax more,” involves defining what it is that helps you relax, and then doing those very relaxing things.

Here’s my 2012 To Do List (and may this list lead to more amazing things).

Miscellaneous Pleasures

• Send at least two friends baked goods whether by postal mail or in person.
• Cook a hot meal for at least one friend.
• Read a novel a month.
• Lose the baggy clothing and begin dressing in a way that does not scream that I am ashamed of my body. Because for the first time in my life, I am really starting to be proud of my body. Update: need to make this more concrete. So…buy at least one dress that hugs my torso & buy 4 body skimming tops.
• Clean out my closet of clothing that no longer fits me. For real.
• Learn to make perfect pie crust.
• Make a fantastic apple tarte tatin.
• Make tamales.
• Eat at Amada in Philadelphia.
• Eat at Alinea in Chicago.
• Eat a Japadog. Mission accomplished.
• Say yes to at least 5 things to which I would usually say “no.”
• Send out more snail mail. Like 30 pieces this year.

SF/NYC/Travel

• Can’t believe I didn’t do this in 2011, so I’m carrying this over: take a ferry around the San Francisco Bay.
• Take “tilt” photographs on San Francisco hills.
• In Berkeley, ride bike at least once a week for errands/exercise.
• Kayak Lake Tahoe.
• Hike past Grass Lake to Susie Lake in the Sierras.
• Listen to Pacific Tree Frogs in Berkeley.
• Go to the Jersey Shore.
• Go to Disneyworld.
• Visit friends in Boston.
• Visit Korea. Check out Cheonggyecheon and NamDaeMun market.

Writing & Fitness

• Revise/Rewrite novel until I am proud of at least 100 pages. (optimally: revise/rewrite until I’m finished!)
• If I find myself in a writing slump, “allow myself to write badly.”
• Find a good writing cafe in Berkeley where I can write.
• Write one short story (I haven’t allowed myself a short story in years bc of all my novel-writing).
• Apply to at least three writing residencies.
• Go to AWP in Chicago.
• While at AWP: try not to hide in hotel room the entire time.
• Meet up with at least two virtual friends IRL at AWP.
• Find a writing partner for this revision of my novel.
• I know this is one of those “everyday” items that are hard to achieve, but this one’s important: wear my fitbit everyday and move my body at least 5 miles a day (or a weekly average of 5+ miles/day).
• Save knees, run less, but run 4 miles in a run.
• Hold the “crow” pose in yoga–for more than 1.5 seconds. Ideal: 5 seconds.
• Try a non-Tara class at my yoga studio. Every instructor offers new perspective. This did not work out as well as I’d hoped, because I totally didn’t like this new impromtu instructor’s teaching style. But will try others, and keep my mind open.
• Do/Try a juice cleanse at least once.
• Decrease from 6 packets of sugar in my decaf latte to 2 (or fewer) packets. Oh totes did this. And it was pretty amazing.

This morning, Nova shared a list of things that work for her writing. It was so inspiring that I decided to mull over what works for me–so that I could concretize what it is that works for me…and I could possibly inspire you, in turn.

It took me a long time to figure out what works for my writing. For years I tried to write in bed but eventually I learned that the only things I can do in bed is sleep, watch TV, read, and that-other-thing-I-won’t-type-because-G*d-knows-what-the-search-engines-would-bring-me. I also tried NaNoWriMo, and from NaNoWriMo, I learned that word counts don’t work for me.

Even so, my needs my novel’s needs change from time to time. Sometime my novel needs Bon Iver, other times Jonsí, and other times Tchaikovsky. Sometimes my novel requires tea and other times decaf coffee and other times a hot drink or a cold drink.

But in general, I’ve found that this is what works for me/my novel:

Writing Partners
A large chunk of my writing occurs when I have a writing partner–and by writing partner, I mean a good writer friend with whom I sit down and write. We will sit down at a dining table and write for a few hours in silence. Or at a café. Or even virtually. And I’ll let my writing partner know my writing achievements for the week. When we write drafts, we encourage each other and hold off on critique until requested.

I’ve had two writing partners over the span of my novel, and they’ve made all the difference.

And here’s the thing: for all my love of writing partners, writing groups do NOT work for me. There is nothing that will shut me down so much as three or more of us sitting down together to write. I can’t do it. Even though I often work at The Writers Room where writers sit in quiet, working, it’s just not the same as a writers group.

Music/Headphones
I can write in silence if there is really silence. As in, a house up in the woods. But if there are people around me, or if floorboards are creaking upstairs, or other writers are whacking tapping loudly away on their keyboards (i.e., every other writing situation), I need music. The music varies (for the last year, I’ve written almost exclusively to Jonsí, and the year previous to that, Sigur Ros, and for months previous to that, Mozart’s Requiem)–but music is pretty much a necessity.

I normally do not like headphones, but this past year, I found a pair of in-ear headphones I really like, and they’ve saved me and my writing in 2011.

Beverage and No Food
Sometimes tea or iced tea or decaf latte or juice…but I’ve gotta have a beverage by me while I write. If marathoners need beverages to run, why wouldn’t a writer need one while revising/writing a novel?

Also, if I eat anything substantial, the magic ends. I can eat as much a KIND bar, but that’s it, just like training for a marathon. So I’ll write until I get lightheaded.

Writing In the Morning and Early Afternoon
For the reason stated above (not being able to write on a full stomach), I mostly write in the morning through the early afternoon. (Kind of a bummer when I was working a fulltime day job).

But I also write in the morning through early afternoon for a reason that I don’t often mention. I was able to return to my novel a couple years after my left-thalamic stroke, but I would lose steam in the afternoons. My brain would just go KAPUT. Halt. Protest. Like, to the point where I wouldn’t know how to add 2+2. Anything important had to happen earlier in the day before my brain would poop out. So I wrote as soon as I woke up, and I still do.

Wearing Something as Close to Pajamas as Possible
I used to have an ugly ugly oversized LLBean plaid robe that I wore while writing. One year, in a moment of weakness, I was convinced to throw it away. (It was really ugly). Dammit.

But in general, I wear pajamas while writing–and because I can’t always write at home, I have to wear something as comfy as pajamas while writing in public. Sometimes I look around in the Writers Room and I see this gorgeous woman wearing what must be very binding skinny jeans and feet-pinching stiletto boots and I wonder, “How can she write?”

Because if I am wearing boots when I get here, I pull them off. I pull my socks off. And I put on a pair of bumble bee slippers I have in my locker just for the purpose of comfort. If I could wear pajama bottoms here I would. But in lieu of that, I’ll wear the comfiest pair of jeans I own, or exercise pants with a nice pajama-esque elastic waistband.

The 7 Train
When I get stuck on my novel, I will take a few hours and ride the 7 Train. For obvious reasons, this is only possible while in NYC. The 7 train’s noises remind me of my early childhood spent riding the 7, and in turn, I think it hypnotizes me and connects me to my subconscious. And it makes me happy.

Allowing Myself to Write Badly
I’m a perfectionist. I don’t like to admit I am, and I spend a lot of my conscious energy telling myself, “There is more than one right way,” when I see someone doing something in a way I’ve never seen. There are good things about being a perfectionist–I’m an idealist who always wants to make things better.

But when it comes to drafting a novel and then revising a novel, perfection doesn’t happen in one fell swoop. Each step is incremental and imperfect. I’ve got to get the words on the page before they can be made perfect. Once, I even made a sign that says, “Allow yourself to write badly,” and put it up at my writing desk.

It helped me get over a writing slump.

Blogging for Voice and for Clearing My Head
When I took piano lessons as a child, my teacher made me do Hanon exercises. These were variation on scales, with the purpose of warming my fingers up. Blogging is the same thing for me, especially if I’ve come back from vacation and I’m having a tough time finding my way back to my novel.

Blogging helps me find my voice, and refine my writing voice, and it helps me clear my head, and it helps me warm up my writing muscles.

But if my writing is going well, I blog less.

However, my piano teacher always made me do the Hanon exercises.

Journaling for Therapeutic Writing
I know that I bring a lot of my personal experience to the page–but I don’t need recent, undigested personal experience brought to the page (or blog). For that, I barf into my Moleskine journal.

I have really messy handwriting. Good luck reading what I barf into my Moleskine.

***

And then there’s the flip side–things that don’t work for my writing. There are SO many things that don’t work for my writing, but I’ve decided to share just a few with you here.

Word Counts
I start doing word counts, and I can literally hear the screeeech of brakes.

Heat/hot weather
Ah summer, you slay me.

My husband anywhere near me while I write
He is the biggest distraction. And when I’m at a tough point in my writing–believe me, I’d rather hang out with him than face the pain.

Writing in anything but an empty house
I wish I could write at home, even when people are milling about, but I can’t. My novel is selfish. It wants the entire house to itself.

Also, I’m convinced that the Muse is shy and won’t visit me unless I’m by myself.

Writing anywhere but at a desk/table
I have to be in a chair with a writing surface. Facing away from a window. With no direct sunlight (foggy or cloudy days are fine near a window).

Keyboard-Whacker-Typists
Exactly.

Exigency: “Live everyday as if it were your last.”

My friend left a comment on my last post about my 2011 in review, to which I replied, “It has been an amazing year, one in which I decided to try to live everyday as if it were my last day on earth (and the fact that I really don’t know when my days in NYC will end helped lend to that scenario).”

I was given the gift of limited time last year–not limited days of my life, but limited days in my setting of NYC–a microcosm of urgent ground, in which I woke up every morning wondering what I could squeeze out of that day. That energy came with me even as I spent half the year in California outside of NYC.

And it has made all the difference.

I wonder what would happen if I gave myself the impression of limited days in which I could write? Something more than a deadline–? And in what way could I create that exigency?

Also–I am more than aware that 2011 was an agonizing and horrifying and awful year for many of you. For me, the “worst year of my life by a mile” was 2007. It ousted any of the years previous I’d spent depressed or dismayed or discouraged or broke.

But every year since then, I/we know that statistically speaking, nothing can be as bad as 2007. And that too, has made all the difference–to know where your bottom is, and to know you’ve survived that bottom (whether graciously or not, because in the end all that matter is that you survived), to have been broken and healed, and to know you’ve learned lessons, and to know you can make it through anything, go forward.

So for those of you who have had an awful 2011, I give you that hope. And now it’s 2012–and I hope 2011, now in the past, leaves you in the present with valuable lessons and knowledge and resilience.

And come to think of it, my awful year gave me urgency, too. There’s nothing like a bad year to tell you what it is you really really want out of life. And you’ll spend subsequent years reaching for it.

I hope in 2012 you reach for it–and get it.

At the beginning of 2011, I made a To Do List for the year.

It’s a list that in retrospect, was a means to an end–a framework, so to speak, that in no way was confined to itself. And to that end, the framework made for an amazing year.

And it was a list that enlightened me about novel-writing.

There is this thing about lists, framework, or  scaffolding; the interstitial spaces between the items–the journey, the process and the detours between milestones are the things that make the list come alive, just as surprises and detours make a novel.

You can outline and plan a novel–but it’s those moments as a writer when you are delighted and surprised by a sudden discovery or event or detour that will in turn surprise and delight your reader, that makes your novel sing. Those are the moments I live for, and the moments for which I write.

My to-do list was flawed and those flaws enlightened me, too. There were items on the list I told myself to do “everyday”; I couldn’t check these items off until all 365 days had passed, and then of course, it was unlikely I would do any certain thing “everyday.” So I left them unchecked. This helped me learn the ways in which I set unrealistic expectations of myself.

There were items I didn’t achieve, but so many amazing things unplanned and offlist. I’m thankful for all the wonderful and unexpected things that happened. They make a life.

Click on through to the jump for my 2011 in review…(it’s long. I figure some people write their Annual Reviews in their holiday cards…I write them on my blog).

Some of the things not on the list that I discovered/achieved/experienced:

• Yoga came into my life, and stayed for good in 2011. I can’t tell you how “allergic” to yoga and its rituals I was am–but I found a studio and teacher in Tara Stiles who helped me find a way into this incredible space that makes me feel beautiful. I know that I’ve written about the beneficial relationship between my writing and running before, but yoga–it helps ME. And helping ME in turn, helps my writing. Thank you to NRS who came with me to my first yoga classes of 2011, and who spotted this studio as a way to begin 2011.

  

  Sometimes I go early to class and lay on my mat and stare at the ceiling. I took a picture of the very ceiling when I got particularly early to class one day (no chastising–I turn the ringer off and put my phone away (far away from me) every time but this one time).

• I walked and walked and walked and saw so many things on the ground that I would have missed had I been in a car. Even in Berkeley, where I normally drive, I got out of the car and walked a ton more. I saw couples breaking up. I dodged a zillion dog turds. I saw vultures soaring overhead. I got sunburned. I felt the air on my skin, the ground under my feet.
  I got a fitbit. I decided that if I was going to do all this walking in all the cities in which I live, I was going to figure out HOW much walking I was actually doing. This little pedometer/activity tracker device has been an amazing accountability device in my fitness. It’s my goal to walk at least 5 miles a day, and if near the end of the day I see that I’m under goal, I’ll get off the couch and go do something–even if it’s a quick walk around the block, so I can reach goal.
• I lost 10 pounds and went down two dress sizes in 2011. Wow. Because I make it a habit to never put weight loss as a “to do,” this was nowhere on my list of 2011 goals, but there you go.
• For all our years of going to Tahoe, we have never ever kayaked on the lake. This year we did. The change in perspective, let alone the gorgeousness of our surroundings, was amazing.
• On a whim, we hiked a trail we hadn’t hiked in awhile, not since my PFO closure. What could I now do having closed that hole in my heart? The lack of oxygen in my system had me puking at least 14 times up this trail in the past. But this time? I ran up the thing!
  
  Are you beginning to understand why it is I believe the Sierras are one of the most beautiful places on earth?

• After last year’s mega-snows in Tahoe and in NYC…there wasn’t a snowflake to be had in December. In Tahoe, this meant lakes that were usually inaccessible (i.e., tons of snow on their banks, and then several feet of snow on the surface of the frozen lakes) were now free of snow. And trails void of snow–with frozen lakes at the end of them! Which meant a ton of people skating, playing hockey, and just messing around on them. These people included us.
• Ohman. Caffe Intermezzo burned down this year. No more Intermezzo salads with poppy seed dressing.
• The Red Rocks did not burn down. They were prettier than ever.
• In which I could not stop obsessing over Christmas trees sold on sidewalks! I’m a California girl, and I’m used to Christmas trees sold in abandoned corner lots or parking lots.
• Holy crap–SantaCon!
  
• Listening to Joshua Bell play Tchaikovsky’s violin concerto in D with the New York Philharmonic. The music almost overwhelmed him–but still, it was amazing to hear it live.
• I read at the Sunday Salon Reading Series.
• At the Sunday Salon Reading Series (and at Litquake in San Francisco earlier in the year), I read from my piece (an excerpt from my novel-in-progress) in the Men Undressed anthology. It was pretty neat to see part of my novel in print.
  
• Autumn. The event of the year.
• I discovered Kalustyan’s. How did I not know about this place sooner?
• Snowtober!
  
• Beautiful October days in San Francisco.
• I took a letterpress class with an instructor who was so rigid and analparticular, I couldn’t stop giggling. Which of course, frustrated her further. Which of course, caused me to giggle further. In sum, I had TONS of fun.
• The Astor Place Cube was “Olek’d!” So glad I ran out to take a picture while it was still Olek’d–because the police took it down a few hours later.
• On a whim, we drove to the Jersey Shore. I know that the Hamptons were on my “to do list” but did you know that I loved the Jersey Shore? And that I think I loved it more than I do the Hamptons? Any place with graffiti this cool is my kind of place…And holy moly! The concept of East Coast beach boardwalks blows my minds. And did you know you have to PAY for beaches on most of the East Coast? On the West Coast, the public beaches are free!And dude. There are church-owned beaches on the East Coast. This blew our minds.
• And how rad was our view of the July 4th fireworks in NYC?
• And how wicked the sunset here?
• Gay marriage was legalized in the state of New York! And we celebrated at Pride!
• OMG, we almost adopted this little chi-weenie called Bentley.
• I witnessed a modeling session on a roof top across the way.
• We discovered why New Yorkers like to brunch. I think it has something to do with mimosas.
• A way inside, but way meaningful, joke. Titan happened this year.
• I looked forward to Autumn in NYC all year long. But guess what? Spring came a damn close second. Holy moly, that was a beautiful and fleeting few weeks of the year.
• Bin Laden was killed. The media frenzy at the WTC was still going strong two days after the announcement.
• My mom and dad came out to visit us in NYC. My dad hadn’t been to NYC since he left town in 1978. I saw the city through his awed eyes–just one more place in his life that has changed so much it’s no longer the place he remembers, no longer a place to which he can return.We went on a tour of their old haunts; reliving their first ten years in the U.S. with my parents was one of the most amazing gifts of 2011, one of the most amazing gifts in my life.

  My parents took me to the little pizza slice place I used to visit daily as a young child. I’d always imagined it as a little hole in a window under the train tracks. It was more than a hole in the window, but it was right by the elevated train tracks of the 7.

  

  And guess what? The same proprietor still works there! (His son, who is one year older than me, works the ovens now). My mom, and dad and he took a reunion picture. Amazing.

• I got to the Land’s End Great Gatsby mansion in the nick of time. I saw its skeleton standing in the sky before the final blows tore the structure down. I was so grateful to witness this moment, and to make it part of my own memory. And I am so grateful to my husband for convincing me to trespass under the eye of the security cameras in order to take pictures.

  

  My blog post on this moment was the most popular blog post of the year, thanks in part to Writer’s Houses and Carolyn Kellogg of LA Times’ Jacket Copy.

• And confession: I went to three tapings of the Martha Stewart Show this year. Ohboy.
• It’s winter again. And I’m seeing those large winter “horse carrots” in the NYC supermarkets again. Wow.
• The L O S T Smoke Monster lives…in NYC.
• I spotted an urban hawk! I was on the phone, looking absentmindedly out the window in Tribeca. When I spotted it. Several rooftops away. Mr. (or Ms.) Hawk chilled out in the cold winter sun for a good 15 minutes before taking flight.
• One night, coming home from a literary reading, I looked up and saw…a picture of my brother. In an advertisement on the A train. My brother is *not* a professional model. It took all I had to stifle a squeak. The world is so weird. My brother didn’t even know his picture was being used in the advertisements.
• I experienced my first ice storm. It was kind of rad. Especially since I was indoors.
• Snow falling in a city. Quietness. And lots of buried cars.
• This was the moment we drove into NYC in 2011…after a cross country trip in a small car with two wiener dogs, in which we crossed a blizzard and passed 25 spin-outs, we picked up excellent green chile burritos in Albuquerque, drove through mega-steak places in Texas, traveled through New Orleans and Tennessee, stopped at a Waffle House…this is the moment we drove into NYC.
• Ringing in 2012 by having dinner with friends, then rushing home to change into comfy clothes & run out to Times Square just in time to see the apple drop (from the back)…
  

• A wonderful end-of-year fortune:

And below is the 2011 To Do List…

Miscellaneous Pleasures:

• Get a kickass haircut. Done.
• Celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary! Yay!
• Kiss my husband every day (when possible, unless he’s traveling).
• Cook a dinner for friends. done! it was a beautiful balmy NYC evening in July with a few good friends on the terrace.
• Make an effort to meet new people. Make at least one new friend. You know who you are. This has been a year of amazing new friendships.
• Maintain good friendships. Send at least one encouraging message to at least one friend each day.
• Eat the early girl sun dried tomatoes that are in my freezer.
• Laugh at least once each day.
• Hug someone each day.
• Parttake in some fantastic Dominican food. Margot’s in Washington Heights. It’s the only restaurant in NYC who recognizes me as a regular. Great dive.
• Eat an arepa. Done! Thank you to Saeedfor showing me your favorite arepa resto. (don’t worry, I won’t tell).
• Eat a knish. Amendment: Eat a *delicious* knish done right. Seriously, I have learned that knishes aren’t as good as I wanted them to be.
• Learn to bake a new pastry/cookie.So um, I thought I was baking a sour cherry pie for the first time here…but apparently, my friend Connie told me I’d baked one before! It was during the year I was recovering from my brain thing/memory problems, does it still count?
• Say yes more often (at least once a week if not more).
• Find (and buy) a sundress I love. I found so many! And for the first time in many years, I actually NEED and wear them–everyday.
• Wear skirts more often (i.e., more than once every 6 months). Pants are impossible in this summer heat. The skirts are happenin’.
• When I’m sad, admit I’m sad.

SF/NYC/Travel:

• Take a ferry around the San Francisco Bay (how is it that I’ve lived in SF for 20 years and never done this)? OMG, I have now lived in SF for 21 years and never done this.
• Wave hello to the wild turkeys in Berkeley when they come out. Hello!
• Listen to Pacific Tree Frogs in Berkeley. *ribbit*
• Jog/run around the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir in Central Park  This was one of the best things I did all year.
• Walk Central Park on a fantastic Narnia-snowy Winter day.  Tremendous. Treacherous beauty.
  
• Walk Central Park on a beautiful sunny Spring day. Was beautiful. All the trees in bloom!
  
• Spend a day writing while riding the 7 to/from Queens. Can only do this using a physical notebook + pen.
• Visit the MoMA
• Eat at a Momofuku restaurant. Ssam Bar you are brilliant.
• Eat at a Batali/Bastianich resto. Lupa, you are amazing.
• Discover an abandoned, secret subway station. Wow, this was anti-climactic. The old City Hall stop at the end of the 6 line exists–but it’s barely visible from the train. But kind of cool. But still a let-down.
• Learn a new neighborhood in NYC. Tribeca. Then SoHo. Then the East Village.
• Go to Montauk. I don’t know, I just want to. Especially since I watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Done. It was beautiful. The lighthouse! All the sea creatures on the beach!
• Visit the Hamptons. Done. Kind of meh. But very pretty.
• Drive up to Vermont for a visit.
• Eat a Philly cheesesteak. In Philly. Done. Overrated!
• Visit friends in Boston. My Boston friends are so mad I didn’t make it up there.
• Visit friends in D.C.
• Go to Korea again. Visit Cheonggyecheon and NamDaeMun market.
• Visit Europe. London. Paris. (done, July 2011). Maybe Greece. Or Italy again. Or SpainParis and its love affair with smoking:
  Landing at Heathrow:
  

Writing & Fitness:

• Get a seat at a Writing Space.
• Keep up a writing routine. I did. But man, this “to do” was so ambiguous. What is a “routine?”
• Revise novel. Be super proud of at least 75 pages. I am.
• Channel all my creative reserves into the novel.
• Apply to more writing opportunities with great hope. This was harder and easier than I thought it would be. But yes, I applied to more things.
• For 2 weeks: run/jog/walk every single day.
• For 6 months: run/jog at least once a week every week.
• Eat more vegetables. Eat at least one protein each day (i.e., break the 100% carb diet). You know what? I like carbs. Screw this to-do!
• Hydrate. Drink more water. Drink fewer sodas/sugary drinks.
• Moisturize.

I’ll have a 2012 List of Things To Do, soon!

We create worlds when we write our novels. My hope is that our readers’ worlds expand when reading our worlds. We do this by adding our unique stories and previously unwitnessed details to the existing historical tapestry of stories.

Sometimes we respond to something specific in the canon, like Jean Rhys who wrote an amazing prequel in Wide Sargasso Sea to Charlotte Brontë’s Wuthering Heights. But we needn’t be overt though we should always be conscious of how we enrich the world experience.

I’m in the midst of revising my novel, and this revision is one that has me tearing my novel back down to the studs and posts as I investigate the stories (on and off the page) of each character and add new characters. It’s a lot of work. And I’m going to say this is more like a rewrite than a revision, more like a rebuild than an incremental remodel.

In this hubbub, I participated in a “sex interview” with Gina Frangello in The Nervous Breakdown about my piece in Men Undressed. One of the six questions asked me who I thought was the sexiest literary male character.

And here I was a little stumped and perturbed, because in perusing my reading history (and I was an English major and Asian American Studies minor who took her fair share of Chicano/a and African American literary courses), there was a major lack of sexy literary male characters of color.

Why, did I ask myself, are the majority of male literary characters of color emasculated, violent, ineffectual, and/or lack physicality? (Okay, maybe those things turn you on? They don’t me). The potential answers depressed me.

I remember the 1980s and 1990s when Asian American literature revolved mostly around particular themes: immigration, assimilation, family/tradition. The canonical works of the day (The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston, and Native Speaker by Chang-rae Lee for starters) all of whom featured men who were violent or ineffectual or so cerebral they lacked physicality.

The above writers are pioneers to whom I/we owe a great debt. And they too have been able to forge new paths due to their initial pioneering works. But there’s still lots of work for us to do.

When I was the fiction editor at Kartika Review, an Asian American literary magazine, I was happy to now see pieces that went beyond these experiences in the slushpile, because the Asian American experience is more complex and expansive than these immigration or assimilation.

And I was very aware that I was a gatekeeper, albeit a small one in the world, for our readers and for what would represent literature.

It’s up to me and to us to change the landscape. We need to write worlds. And we need to read worlds.

Meanwhile, I was obsessed with the tv show Mad Men. I came late to the Mad Men party, and this summer, my husband and I watched four seasons of the shows in a span of a few weeks.[1]

Don Draper–what a sexy hunk. I felt guilty about spending all this time watching a television series, but then I decided realized it was novel research. Mad Men is set in the same era as my characters who happen to be Koreans who arrive in early 1970s America occupied by Don and Betty Draper, Roger Sterling, and the gang, characters who for all their faults and strengths never interact with Asian Americans. And I cringe at how they would treat Asian Americans if they did. That Mad Men could illuminate my characters’ setting was amazing.

But back to Don Draper–what a sexy hunk. And I thought, why can’t my characters be that sexy? Why not?

And so I decided that in exchange for all the suffering I have inflicted upon my protagonist, I would make him sexy. And I would make him my kind of sexy: smart, tortured, and rugged. It makes me want to spend more time with my novel-writing, that’s for sure.

We have, as writers, the opportunity to expand worlds. And we have, as readers, the opportunity to expand our own worlds. What choices do you make to do so?

[1] I kind of had a flashback to my parents watching Korean dramas on VHS tapes all night and emerging in the morning demanding a neck rub from me. We had become my parents. Except we have no children from which to demand neck rubs in the morning.

I had no idea I drink bubble tea like this. My chuckling husband described something hilarious. “You get shocked every time a pearl shoots up the straw!” I didn’t believe him.

So he taped me in the same way I taped my dad snoring when I was a kid just to prove to him that he did snore like a big rig. (Okay, it was a cassette tape, but that was in the early 1980s).

My husband expects this youtube video of me to go viral.