My honest writer bio

please don't eat us.  we're not REALLY hot dogs.

After reading Ellen Potter’s amusing post entitled, “The Big Fat Lie of the Author Bio,” my enterprising friend Nova wrote “a more honest author bio,” and challenged other writers to do the same.

Aha! A challenge! I shall take thee up on your (thy? dammit. I suck at Old English? Middle English?) quest! Um.

My official bio, up at on my About page, reads:

My work has appeared or is forthcoming in journals such as ZYZZYVA, Verbsap, and Yomimono. An adjunct instructor at a local college, I received an Ardella Mills Fiction Prize from Mills College in 2005, placed as a finalist in Poets and Writers Magazine’s Writers Exchange Contest in 2007, and received an honorable mention in Glimmertrain’s Fiction Open in 2009.

I earned my undergraduate degree from UC Berkeley and my MFA in Creative Writing from Mills College. I am the Fiction Editor at Kartika Review and, in addition to writing short stories, I have a novel in progress.

It’s so sanitized. So professional sounding.

My more honest bio (written spontaneously, because honesty comes without premeditation) would read:

Christine works at a dining room table surrounded by piles of teaching materials and student papers that need constant grading and she writes with a needy geriatric wiener dog who smells like corn chip Fritos on her lap and another needy wiener dog with feral survival tendencies who is up to no good somewhere in the kitchen. She dotes on her husband who dotes on her and together they get through her sporadic writing self esteem troughs that sometimes attack daily and sometimes leave her alone for weeks. She should be running and exercising, but instead she is baking cookies and eating them. By herself. In front of her laptop. Trying to revise her novel. She is very pale.

What is your honest author/writer bio?

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10 Comments

Filed under Favorites, Funny Things, Writing

10 responses to “My honest writer bio

  1. I love yours so much. The final bursts at the end are brilliant!

  2. Pingback: My honest writer bio: a study in literary hater-ade « Heather's Abecedary

  3. HannahFergesen

    I got a good chuckle from that second one! I wish mine were that clever!

  4. TZ

    But darling! I thought you write like Shakespeare! A FB personality quiz thingie app. can’t possibly be wrong!

    Love your honest writer bio.

    Sadly if I had to write an honest designer bio, it’d be quite short: She has no idea what she’s doing.

  5. Nate

    I’m not sure that this sounds much worse than the one I actually use!

    Nate knocks out an occasional piece here or there, but spends the vast majority of his butt-in-seat computer energy at his Evil Dayjob. He escapes the demands of his wife and daughter by writing in the solace of the public library study carrels next to a dude trimming his nails or worse, next to the employee restroom. He rarely remember names, faces, or great story ideas, but he does always find the time to read –which he reasons is somehow close enough to writing that he shouldn’t feel guilty about his lack of output.

  6. Jennifer

    This is so you that I can hear you in my head! Btw, I heartily second Nova’s comments. :)

  7. Ivelisse

    LOL. I love the honest author bio. I too have a needy dog who wants me to throw her mangled toys just as I am writing a not so brilliant sentence!

  8. I am so glad you are tickled by my “more honest bio” lol. I had a lot of fun writing it–special thanks to Nova for the inspiration.

    @Nate: Reading *is* the best thing you can do for your writing!

    I challenge you all to write one. :)

    • Nate

      Thanks for enabling me! And hey, cookies and their dough ;-) *are* nutritionally complete foods! This is great, we can totally do this for each other forever –woo hoo!

      “She is very pale.”
      Ha ha. Man, that one got me again! I picture you with a REALLY overexposed B&W author photo.

  9. YouKnowWho

    YouKnowWho is so worried about coming across as pretentious, he refuses to even give his name here. He still feels like an idiot for even uttering the phrase “my novel” and is convinced that his first book is going to become a running joke among his friends. He used to write for a Drum Corps Newsletter and his only success in writing is second prize in a 24-hour writing contest. He has no degree.

    He cringes whenever anyone says anything like “you have talent” or “you are a good writer” because that means that either they are just being nice or that he is doomed to rest on his laurels after his first taste of success (see 2nd place writing prize).

    He loves his novel but will be the first to admit that it is probably a pile of garbage that his friends will hand back to him with looks of concern and pity, followed by anonymous recommendations to a good shrink.

    He has three cats, all of which are complete assholes.

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